The home saga

I'm at home .. after years .. ok , just AN year .. still , it feels like years ..


When i come home after this long , i feel scared .. THIS long has been THIS long just twice .. and i have felt scared both of the times.. scared of wanting to get out of there and not connecting again .. scared of not feeling at home .. and scared of not being present there consciously .. scared of being a loser who wants to run away .. For most of the things , either the scares have sorted themselves out , or i have had to sort them out consciously .. Here are some of my mometous moments at home , stuff where i was not trying .. which just happened .. Plus stuff which were unreal , and yet so "present there"



>> When my dad told me about chandrakanta .. and compared it to harry potter .. that moment was enlightment for me .. and at that moment , i again wished that i be able to give my children this much of insight/knowledge as my dad has given me


>> While helping out my mom in small things in the morning .. while serving food for my dad .. these moments have been surreal .. reminding me of the past .. still makes me feel strangely connected .. yet strangely a slight feel of "this is not me" lingers somewhere ..


>> My birthday celebration .. lol .. i don't even remembers how many years it was after .. and seriously i felt like running waya with the knife and hiding somewhere ... :P
but nevertheless it turned out to be one of the besties of home .. :)

>> While helping my mom dress up, make her hair .. All the past occasions flashed in front of my eyes , and i suddenly remembered how long it has been

>> While sleeping , when my dad comes and puts a blanket over me .. NOTHING, repeat NOTHING compares to that .. even though at that particular moment , i was busy reading and replying to one of my friend's sms .. lol ..

>> When everyone went out , while i decided to stay at home .. lol .. and i felt the excietement i used to feel in 12th .. O.K. , now i am free to make as many calls as i want .. Except that this time there weren many ppl to call .. lol .. Still , the excitement counts, doesn't it ?? :)

>> Oh , and yes , fighting with my brother .. How can i forget that ... The fact that his presence still counts , and counts a lot even when we do not have a lot to say to each other itself says a lot .. A LOT .. And I am glad for that ... and for his sense of humor .. lol ..

And today is the final day ... when i feel completely at home .. when nothing feels surreal , different , not me ... it has all become a part of me .. the laughter .. the fights .. the lessons .. the conversations .. all of them .. Its just the time duration i tell u , just the time duration ..

P.S:- Strangely , and STRANGELY , i have not been missing my life in Chennai .. Though the one time i feel completely out of place are the afternoons .. when i wake up after my nap .. and i need 10 minutes to figure out where i am .. SERIOUSLY .. lol ..

I had a lot of ideas .. they all dried off :((

Emotinally Trained ..

Sleep Trained ..

Ever heard of the word ?? I heard it today .. In a momma's blog. Where she goes on to describe how children don't know how to put themselves to sleep. And in the first few months of childhood, he gets the clue when he/she is swayed in the arms , or stroked mildly and the likes. After a few months, u need to get him sleep trained - to let him realise when is the time to sleep and teach him to put himself to sleep.

So, this is how it is done. The child is put in the bed when its time to sleep. The lights switched off and he is left. The first day the child cries his heart out. After some time , the mommy comes and picks him up, put him down again, child cries again, momma picks again - this time after a longer time duration. It goes on this way. Finally the child gets tired and sleeps. The second day, child sleeps earlier. And this is repeated daily. Slowly the child begins to understand his sleep timings, and that no matter what, he has to sleep by himself. He has to hold himself and go to sleep. And voila ! the child is sleep trained. After some time u just need to put him in his cot and switch off the light ..

I wonder if this is the case in relationships. Do we teach each other to be emotionally trained similarly ... To the point that u just need to switch of the light and leave the room, and the other person knows that its time to stop crying and hold himself and his emotions !!

The calling ...

I found my calling -

The aim of my life is to entertain myself ...

And with this thought, I free myself of All the obligations, dos n dons and having to question my feelings n actions .. lol ..

ME ME EVERYWHERE ..

hmmm , this seems to be my blogging day.. and yes , i am NOT working et all :D .. ha ha ha ..

So, i am in a listing mood now :D ..And i will list all the things i love bout abt .. abt .. abt .. ME .. and no, i won be modest :P

So, here u go .. read it , and love me/hate me more :)

• THE crazy streak in me .. which makes me do crazy things .. lol .. sometimes stupid things too :P
• The way i can listen - without losing patience
• The "falling - everywhere" habit of mine .. though at times i have seriosuly embarassed myself bcoz of that .. haah
• The way i can change my looks .. from quite ugly, to quite pretty .. And vice-versa .. lol .. :D
• The way i feel lonely when i am lonely .. lol .. get THAT if u can :)
• The intuitions which i get about my loved ones .. and seriously , more often than not, i seem to be correct .. well , except few ppl .. some ppl , though i am very close to them, i can't read them .. as in i don get gut feelings abt them . i have to rely on their words then ..
• The way i can connect to almost everyone i want to ..
• The fact that i can still cry :)

And here are the things i hate .. no hate is a strong word .. the things i not so much like abt me ..

• ummm, the fact that I am a VERY VERY VERY closed person. Phew, i wish i was not soooo closed
• Hmmm , My sense of humor .. THAT i SERIOUSLY want to improve upon... but still, it wld have been good to have been a born comic .. hmm
• The way i get conscious of myself in a crowd
• The way i seem to compare myself with every girl i meet .. lol .. sometimes boys too .. :P
• The way how i behave sometimes depends on the other person
• The way i can NOT connect to some ppl i want to :)

Lol , this is turning out to be SO MUCH fun .. rest , later :) ..

P.S:- Why don they have the Comic Sans font .. which font listing is complete without COMIC SANS .. hmmpphh .. Anyways , i am gonna experiment with the fonts .. :)

love is like ..

i had logged off my blogger .. and i read this line somewhere, and i logged back in to just post it ..

love is like wine...u feel great initially but eventually end up with a hangover!

This is like so so so true . I mean , even if it is not a hangover , it just settles down ... That is what is the truth of love .. Not the mushy stuff of "Happily Ever After" and "Love forever stuff" .. love is just wine .. Something which just gives u a high .. a high more than alcohol ..

On the contrary, friendship is like a park - playground .. where u go and have fun , and come back .... and go back again whenever u want to .. and swing on swings .. and fall down .. and can see flowers and hear birds .. that is what is friendship .. it doesn give u a high but a happiness and sense of well- being .. friendship is just great .. :) ..

Love is great too .. Infact i believe that everyone should fall in love .. ATLEAST once .. sucessfful or unsuccessfull ... fulfilled or unfulfilled .. that is something everyone shld taste .. because never in life do we cry or laugh or feel happy the way we do when we are in love .. and thats why it is reverred so much .. But it will go away .. the high .. the trick is to build a friendship before the love goes away (sorry , the high .. actually, personally i am pretty confused over what really love is , so i prefer to say it as the "HIGH" :) )

musings .. bitter - sweet ..

Seems like so much has happened in the last couple of days. Have been through confusion, amazement, wonder, sadness, happyness , hopefullness .. everything .. don't even remember all the stuff .. Its like i am trying to figure myself out all over again .. Some random musings out of my mind ..

>> I find myself questioning "why do i blog" and "why i am hooked over blogging" over and over again .. Even though i have already written a post about it .. Is it that i don believe what i have written ?? It is that i find a respite from my loneliness here ?? But i don like to see my blog that way .. Blog is a place i luv , not a place i seek refugee.. oh , my heart , believe me .. u are not being a loser shying away from the world .. u are amazing and entertaining urself from the scores of ppl present out there on the net .. Ppl whom u might have never got a chance to meet in the real world.. every one of whom , in their own way, teaches something .. opens a window for a thought .. or just makes u laugh .. *sigh*.. Why the hell do i need to question everything ..

>> ppl die .. hmmm , sad .. how do they die .. what happens to their essence when they die .. all the thoughts in their mind .. the feelings they feel .. the ideas they have .. what happens to all of that?? .. is all of this just electric signals ?? produced by human mind .. like current which just stops flowing when u switch off the switch.. Am i too just current ?? flowing in this stupid body ?? the essence of me .. the ME which i so much fuss over .. hmmm , who knows .. its just hard to let go of the memories of those electric signals .. which never turn on again .. or do they .. like energy .. they might just change the form .. and enter a different body .. or diff bodies .. i guess i am in trance :) ..

>> Timeline is a good book .. i lost my copy somewhere .. one of the best science fictions that i have read ..

>> Some shit is happneing in India .. The nandigram rape thing .. i just don know what to say . why are things so shitty .. cummon, are we living in a democratic india or not .. economic issues aside, where is the sense of respect for the fellow being .. so much for Indianness and Indian culture .. And i feel shitty for i do no do anything but bitch about it .. and raise my hands and say .. what is happeneing .. someone do something .. what can i do .. when will things improve .. shit ... what the hell do i do .. except blog abt it .. and get angry and let my friends know .. hey look , i am an all aware girl .. and i am so morally right that i feel bad about i .. its shit ..

Most of the people, me included, can't be sure of performing any better than the ones up there are doing .. hell , we can' even solve the personal animosity withe our relatives and friends .. what the hell are we going to do when the animosities turn BIG .. Are we going to respond in a better way .. and that just brings me back o my original belief that humans are basically animal .. the animal instincts are all in there .. restrained by so called social norms and rules .. and comes out on the first occasion it can ..

And to think about it, no matter how inhuman Dr. Letcher is (of the "Silence of the lambs" fame, but u need to read "hannibal the cannibal" and "The Red Dragon" to know him more..) , he is actually correct .. and if the so called social norms and social fears are erased out of human mind, ppl are gonna turn ino hannibals .. living for their pleasure .. and their pleasure alone .. this is the law of nature .. waise , in some ways , i actually like Dr.Letcher

>> Indian Cricket .. a perect example of how we destroy something we love .. :)

>> I am going a lil bit into "waiting for the call" mode again .. lol .. its not too much right now though .. and errr, i'm kinna surprised by myself :) ... haah , but its fun ..

>> and well, i promised to tell about my new found bloggers .. not feeling much upto it .. but here u go ..

1) An american family - a soooo american family .. and a peek into their lives .. havn been much INTO it .. but its sweet ..

2)An american girl cabbie .. - Nice experiences .. good to know of a life which is sooooo different than ours .. havn read much of it though .. but am planning to ..

4) and here is someone i found today - looked decent on the first go .. will have to explore more to form any opinion but :)

and abt the book - Mystic river is ok .. a decent thriller mystery .. liked some parts of it quite .. also the bend and gray shades in the character .. planning to watch the movie too .. if its in IMDB top 100, it has to have something in it :)

But i am going to devote my one WHOLE post to shantaraam :)