Letters to my daughter - 1

To my dearest love,

First things first. Know this always. Mumma loves you very much. No matter where you go, no matter what you do, and no matter what you become ! Or I. Nothing will ever change that.

There is something I want to talk to you about. It's about a certain emotion called anger. Know that although this emotion is the easiest to come to a human being, in real life this emotion is about as useless as a flat tire for a vehicle. So try not to give on to it as often as your mom does right now. It took me 35 years and a few months to realize that, but I want to give you a headstart. Showing your anger to your world, or using it as a "tool" to get something "done" is utterly useless. The only people who are likely to respond to your anger is your children or your subordinates. But when they do, know that they will do so with a broken spirit. (I used it for past 3 years of your life, but I am trying to change that starting tomorrow with a hope that I haven't messed you much yet. Let me digress a bit and also tell you baby that you have an amazing spirit. I am so so so proud of you and the fact that you are such a spirited little thing). Anyways, I get it from your nanu. ! I was so wrong to think it worked. In reality it does't, it so doesn't !

Anyways, so next time when you find yourself responding to a situation with anger, try to replace it with curiosity instead. And conversation. Know that nothing is black and white. People or situation. If a sub-ordinate is late to work often, it could be either because he is looking out or because his daughter is sick. If a child is failing in tests, it could be either because he is bored of the subject or because he has a new girlfriend. If a spouse is cheating on another, it could be either because he is a philanderer or because he has some psychiatric issues. If someone is not buying your product, it could be either that you are reaching out to wrong people or because you have priced them wrong. Either ways, your response (and the solution) will come only after you replace the anger with curiosity before you give in to your desire to be angry. Its futile to try "not to be angry", but do refrain to take any action until the initial anger passes.

Now that the boring lectury stuff is done, let me tell you some details of your life right now. You are three years, one month old and we are at your mamu's place. Aashi is still a baby and you guys are the cutest together. Though you are visibly much stronger than her, and I am scolding you too much to try and protect her getting hurt from you. Your dad wanted a break to sort a few things out, so you are I are here, on a break too, passing our time :)

I wanted to write this much earlier, on your third birthday. To make it your birthday gift. And to tell you that this birthday was very special for me. I was so emotional during this birthday like never before. It started a month before your birthday. I couldn't stop looking at your past photographs and videos. It was unexpected and surprising for me too really, because I did not get emotional at any of your previous milestones. But this time I did. I knew that this was the last of your "baby" phase. You are no more a baby. You are a grown human being now. You already say no to giving kisses ! You are fiercely independent, speak your mind, and already think like a mini adult. All the babyish things gone. The bottles, the chubby cheeks, the curly hairs, the goos, the gaas !

Today I asked you if I wanted another brother or sister and you very confidently and firmly said no. I asked why and tried to explain again, thinking you might not have understood what a brother or sister meant. You again said no. I asked why and you said because you already had brothers and sisters. I asked who and you said Arnav and Athar (facepalm) ! I asked again, if you wanted a little sister and you said no ! Well, that was a pretty firm no . lol . If you ever become a sister, you are going to be a mean sister ! Lol ..

Well, that's that baby ,, See you in the next letter. :)

Love
Mumma

die-vorce

Zindagi jis kadi se bandhi thi, woh kahin chatak gayi hai ..
takraaron ne khurach diya hai rishte ke taaron ko ..


Apne hin haanthon apne ghaon cheelti rehti hoon main ....
nasoor ke saath kate bujhe shabd nikalte hain tumhare...
Unko ulta seedha karke dobaara padhne ki koshish karti hoon ...
shayad kuch sawalon ke jawab mil jaaye unmein ...

aajkal har raat sapno mein puraani yaadein aati hain ...
nasha rehta tha dil mein un dinon ..
har din shaam ko bus mein tumhara intezar karna ....
umadti bheed mein tumhara chehra talaashna ...
tumhari muskurahat ka meri aankhon mein utar jaana ....

wahi sab dekhti hoon sapnon mein ..
magar ab sab laal rang mein dikhta hai ..
jaise laal chasma laga rakha ho sapne mein ...
shayad dil ka saara khoon nikal kar sapnon mein chala gaya hai ..

Chaudah ferwary ki woh raat ..

Call me old fashioned, but I think that the epitome of romance is being able to lie with each other in dark and talk for hours .. about nothing and everything  .. Because as long as you can do that, love will always be around .. 

khwaab mein woh raat aati hai mere ... 

yaad hai woh raat chaudah ferwary ki .. 

lamhe piroye the kuch motiyon se...

baatein karte rahe the aadhi raat tak ..

kahaaniyaan sunaayi thi kuch sitaaron ki .. 

aur goonjti rahi thi hansi humaari  .. 

shor se chand aa khada hua tha takne .. 

siraahne kuch yaadein chor gaya tha ..

aaj bhi woh raaat khwaab mein aati hai mere .. 

aur kaale din gulaabi kar jaati hai .. 

tumse zyaada kuch nahi .. 

chaudah ferwary ki woh raat .. 

us baat se zyaada kuch nahi .. 

This is for you baby, because I never told you how much the night of 14th Feb meant to me. To rediscover what we had lost for some time. I still have to learn to appreciate the materialistic gifts more, but as long as we have such nights with us, there is nothing to worry about .. :) 

With love, 

Me

Surprises

They say its difficult to surprise your spouse after a few years. When you are living in the same house, sharing money, home loans, responsibilities, relatives and bickering apart from the king size bed, after some time surprising the other doesn't remain at the top of your "to-do" lists. Or may be its just us - I don't know. But when they happen, they somehow heal the soul. And I believe they heal the soul more for the person who is planning the surprise. Leaving your big sized worries of planning your careers, your finances, your families it just takes you back to the time when pleasures were small but still felt bigger than some big pleasures of today.

This valentine's day we both surprised each other. Mine wasn't much of a valentine's day surprise, but rather a coming home surprise.

This is what I put up at the last moment. [And since baby you don't know, I was planning to come and pick you up from the airport. But the distance between my f***ing office and airport made me change my mind]. I put up the message and pretended to not be at home instead :) . The plan was to tell him that I would come back late from office making an excuse of an impromptu meeting, lock myself in the house from the outside to convince him, and then surprise him. It was too late unfortunately, to wake any of the neighbours. It was 10:15 p.m. I decided to take the risk anyways and wake up one of the neighbours . The result - a grumpy uncle woken up from his sleep. So I apologized and went down five flights of stairs to see if I could ask the security to do it for me. And as soon as I reached the last flight of stairs, I saw my neighbour's daughter, coming back from college, and getting into the lift. Before I could stop her, the lift closed and up she went.

I raced back the five flight of stairs, reaching my floor panting like a dog, what with the tender knee and loads of "health" that I have aquired recently. I was somehow able to call out to her before she shut the door. She din't understand a word of what I said but got the meaning that I wanted to be locked. So lock me she did. And not wanting to be outsmarted by my smart husband, I decided to switch off the lights in advance and wait for him in the dark. Constantly on alert, I rushed to the "hiding corner" on every sound of vehicle. Time was passing slowly and I was getting restless. Weird thoughts started creeping into my mind like how would I reach him if he gets into an accident. I was locked from outside!
Finally, after an hour or so, he reached home. Went to the living room, then kitchen and then our bedroom. I locked into the guest room, came out thinking he was in the bedroom. Unable to find him, I went to the living room thinking I missed him while he moved from the bedroom to the living room. And as I was looking, I heard a laughter from behind. And there he was, standing behind me, lauhging hysterically for five minutes. Yes! In my foolishness, I forgot that our bedroom had a balcony attached. So thus my surprise was runied. But I gave him a lot of beating in return of ruining my surprise. Yes my poor husband gets beaten up in lieu of not getting surprised ! :P 

To be continued...

Breaking free

Every once in a while, life kicks you. Hard. Where it hurts. Then twists the knife in order to increase the pain. And one fine day, pain becomes you. And you break free...

ek sau solah chaand ki raatein, ek tumhare kaandhe ka til

I heard these words and life was never the same again. Romance was never romance again, without Maya and Mahen.

Ek akeli chatri mein jab aadhe aadhe bheeg rahe the, aadhe sookhe, aadhe gile ... 
sookha to main le aayi thi ... 
gila man shayad bistar ke paas pada ho .. 
woh bhijwa do ... mera woh samaan lauta do .. 


Love can not get better and bigger than this .. 

How I was a changed man ( woman ) after the World Cup ....

Love is hard. The passion, the ecstasy, the joy, the pain, the heartbreaks. Oh! the heartbreaks. It’s hard on you, especially when you are young.

As a girl of 12, I was introduced to the game of cricket, but that is not when the affair started. It was then only a casual acquaintance. It was when came the year of 1996, with the famed world cup, that I found my heart beating to the rhythms of fours and sixes and swings and paces. Most of the time in school was spent in passionate discussions about players, discreetly trying to know their likes and dislikes; desperate waiting with flutter in my stomach for the impending evening rendezvous, daydreaming of the next match’s outcome, crying after a bad day and unbound love on a good day. Well, suffice to say, that I did everything, a girl of 14 would do when in love.

And well, we all know how that ended. A big heartbreak. But that did not mean that I gave up on my love then. I kept the faith. Days and months passed and I kept the perseverance. I kept our dates and religiously followed and cheered it up. But despair came more often than happiness. And after a long time I decided to break up - that it was just not worth it. I ignored cricket, refused to do anything with it and cut up all my emotional ties. I became a neutral third party who would just watch sometimes from the sidelines and make fun of them when they lost and dismissed when they won.

This world cup has changed it all. In those three hours of the final match, I opened my heart once again to love, and the possibility of heartbreak and pain. I sat there without steeling myself from the possibility of pain, without shying away and distancing myself. It was in those tough hours that I realized that it was an inevitable path - of pain and ecstacy - you had to embrace both to experience any of them. Or else it would just be a flat and safe road. I also learnt that belief and faith were more important and and tougher to embrace than cynicism. And I believed in belief once again.

That is how I changed this season. What about you ?