A Rant ..

The gardens are prettty and the sun is warm ...
The cookies are smoky and the music in the barn ...

My world is not so shiny and warm now
So making up for it in the imagery ..

Taking 9 rejections in a row is not easy, and i am trying to breathe thru it.. but its slowly taking a toll .. though i don want it to ... i know there is much more to go ahead .. i want to not care .. and as much as i hate to admit , i am giving in to peer pressure. I do not feel as confident as i did earlier , but i am trying .. And perhaps fairing much better than the other people around .. well , atleast i pride myself on that ...

I am giving my friend a hard time , but so is he doing .. anyways , perhaps when it is done , i will feel remorse , or perhaps not .. I hate to feel remorse anymore .. i just feel like saying damn to people who ask me to feel remorse or to be sorry ..

I am a bitch when i am in a bad mood. My husband will have a tough time :). It amuses me now. I hope it amuses me then too. :)

I am strange in the way that i want things only when i do not have them. Once i have them, i do not love them anymore. Is it the same with all the other people ?? I wonder.. Hmmm ...

A noon's tale ...

dreaming a nightmare !!
waking up with a start !!
with a fast beating heart !!
and fingers clutched in a weird position !!
realising the nightmare was gone !!
still dazy !!
still thinking of the nightmare !!
sitting in front of the system !!
opening the orkut account !!
seeing a friend's request from a familiar name !!
identifying the name with a start !!
opening her profile with apprehension !!
and finding that it was indeed her !!
being flooded with memoryies without any notice!!
and left overwhelmed !!

Getting in touch with an old friend after a span of ten years . What more do i say ..
i love the surprises thrown by life :)

Marginal Utility ??

Hmmmm. So there is this law of Marginal Utility in Economics. And in life ..

For those who do not know economics (u really shld read it.. its INTERESTING) , according to this law, the more u 'utilise' a thing , the more its 'utility' decreases. As in the more u eat pizza , the more less u feel like eating it .. and henceforth ..

So, i decided that the 'morale' of this theory wld be - have less of whatever u love ..
U love ur bf? .. see him as less as possible ... u love ur husband ?.. take as many office tours as possible .. love ur children ? send them to the neighbous's place .. love ur food ?? cook it as less as possible ..

get the picture ??
right ..
now go and implement it ..
and u're 'advance' welcome .. :D

The golden oaths :D

Mumbai .... I'm in Mumbai ...

Naah, Mumbai is not imp right now. Hell, it is not even Mumbai right now. What is imp is that i am here. In this B-school studying management. Something which has been my dream since the last two years. Preparing for which, made me realise a lot of things about myself. My dreams, desires, a sense of what actually is imp for me. I realise that those things might change, as it have in the past. I can only wait and watch. Whom, u ask ? Myself, i answer. lol

I din come here with a lot of hopes, just a lot of myself. And a decision to like things. To see the positives. (As i told one of my friends, and he asked how can u decide to like things and i smiled:) ) . So, it has been good. The journey till now. I have felt happy, sad , expectant, dissapointed , worried,HIGHLY worried frustrated, HIGHLY frustrated (Now , well thats an altogether different story :) .. and that worry and frustration is not over yet :) ) ..

Khair , so here u go. The journey has begun. Have been in it well over 11 days now. :) .. And yet this post is put as a reminder to myself , the reminder of my dreams , desires and decisions. So, that the immediate do not cloud the ultimate . Nice phrase i made , din i ?? :D

And here are the promises i make to myself while starting this journey :-

• I shall remain friends with me and myself.
• I shall be OPEN - all in eyes , heart , head and temperament
• I shall never let my fears win the battle
• I shall keep on growing
• And I shall not forget the laugh .. lol ...

I am eagerly awaiting the things in store for me, coz the decision has been made. It is the learnings which is left

Some random rantings ...

>> Did u know that the english word Echo comes from Greek Mythology ???

>> Did u know that one of the greatest Gods of greek Mythology, Zeus was a philanderer - And one of his courtesses was a nymph called Echo (;) , u still don wanna check out Echo's story ?? :D ) - And that he was married to his own elder sister Hera .. now this is something , isn't it :D

>> How do u make ur group agree with you when u know without any doubt that u are correct .. And still all of them combinedly refuse to liseten:D .. Yes , u guessed right. I faced this dilemma in the first two group activities .. hmmm ..

love-ought of the day ..

when u find urself trapped in a frustrated and angry and irritated mood for a long time, check ur relationship's emotional account balance .. u might have been debiting a lot of love for a while without crediting any ..

The home saga

I'm at home .. after years .. ok , just AN year .. still , it feels like years ..


When i come home after this long , i feel scared .. THIS long has been THIS long just twice .. and i have felt scared both of the times.. scared of wanting to get out of there and not connecting again .. scared of not feeling at home .. and scared of not being present there consciously .. scared of being a loser who wants to run away .. For most of the things , either the scares have sorted themselves out , or i have had to sort them out consciously .. Here are some of my mometous moments at home , stuff where i was not trying .. which just happened .. Plus stuff which were unreal , and yet so "present there"



>> When my dad told me about chandrakanta .. and compared it to harry potter .. that moment was enlightment for me .. and at that moment , i again wished that i be able to give my children this much of insight/knowledge as my dad has given me


>> While helping out my mom in small things in the morning .. while serving food for my dad .. these moments have been surreal .. reminding me of the past .. still makes me feel strangely connected .. yet strangely a slight feel of "this is not me" lingers somewhere ..


>> My birthday celebration .. lol .. i don't even remembers how many years it was after .. and seriously i felt like running waya with the knife and hiding somewhere ... :P
but nevertheless it turned out to be one of the besties of home .. :)

>> While helping my mom dress up, make her hair .. All the past occasions flashed in front of my eyes , and i suddenly remembered how long it has been

>> While sleeping , when my dad comes and puts a blanket over me .. NOTHING, repeat NOTHING compares to that .. even though at that particular moment , i was busy reading and replying to one of my friend's sms .. lol ..

>> When everyone went out , while i decided to stay at home .. lol .. and i felt the excietement i used to feel in 12th .. O.K. , now i am free to make as many calls as i want .. Except that this time there weren many ppl to call .. lol .. Still , the excitement counts, doesn't it ?? :)

>> Oh , and yes , fighting with my brother .. How can i forget that ... The fact that his presence still counts , and counts a lot even when we do not have a lot to say to each other itself says a lot .. A LOT .. And I am glad for that ... and for his sense of humor .. lol ..

And today is the final day ... when i feel completely at home .. when nothing feels surreal , different , not me ... it has all become a part of me .. the laughter .. the fights .. the lessons .. the conversations .. all of them .. Its just the time duration i tell u , just the time duration ..

P.S:- Strangely , and STRANGELY , i have not been missing my life in Chennai .. Though the one time i feel completely out of place are the afternoons .. when i wake up after my nap .. and i need 10 minutes to figure out where i am .. SERIOUSLY .. lol ..

I had a lot of ideas .. they all dried off :((